Breakfast at three

Britney shaved her hair off. Big deal? Obviously. I wish I could say that I am not affected by the media at all, but apparently I am. Without really knowing it does affect me in quite a negative way. The problem is, I don’t eat well. I think I’m weighing myself almost everyday, and it’s always the same. Almost underweight. I once did a test online to check if I was underweight, and when I was, I pretended to be pretty upset. But actually, in my head it feels like a little triumph. And when people kept saying I was so thin, it didn’t feel that bad either. I don’t know why this all is happening, I mean, I do not want to look like a skeleton, like Nicole Richie and all those rich bitch it-girls. I really don’t, she looks so terribly unhealthy and bony..
But still, I eat, well, not much. In the holidays it’s the worst, I get up at ten or twelve or in between and at three I eat my first meal. Yeah. I know it’s unhealthy, but I don’t feel like eating things, and when I get hungry (because I do) I just ignore it. Most of the time it’s also because I’m such a high-maintenance person and I don’t like sandwiches, so I would have to make something like an egg or eye-bread (don’t ask me now, but it’s delicious), which takes a while to make, and I’m an incredibly lazy-ass. Which means I eat my “breakfast” at tea-time and at dinner I eat less than I normally would, because I’ve just eaten. I somehow also feel good when I can ignore my hunger, as if I don’t need food to survive.
That doesn’t mean that when I do eat, I eat healthy. Lots of cup-a-soup (which is really salt) and when I get the chance, lots of chocolate. I am a salad-junkie though.. and I do like fruit, honestly, but I never eat it. I have no idea why. Writing this down, I feel plain stupid. I mean, I know what my problems are, but I don’t change them, and I know I’m not going to in the near future. Even if I’ve acknowledged my problems. God, I’m so selfish. People in poor countries would do anything for food and I’m starving myself out of free will.
Somehow the pressure to look thin is around, even in our not-so-USA country. I would love to have a smaller butt and thinner legs, but I also know how I look is alright and healthy, and I’m already thin, but it keeps following me. Plus, I would love to have some muscles, because now, I have absolutely none. Which means I would have to do a sport, and sometimes I love doing sport, because the feeling after you’ve done it is soo wonderful, I feel so healthy after sporting.. but the lazy-ass in me refuses. Some people notice my un-sporty-ness, which erhm, kinda makes me want to be thinner, though I know it’s my un-sporty-ness that concerns them and not how thin I am.
It’s hard for me to write this down, because somehow it makes me feel guilty and selfish and stupid and shallow. Yes. You lot asked for a new post, and here it is, a little more personal than usual. Good luck convincing me I have to eat more.