I don't care a bit, I don't

Hello.

Tonight, I feel so fucking rebellious. I don’t know what it is, and why it is happening to me so often lately. Tuesday evening, I think, too. I was so mad that evening and I kept shouting at people and feeling nothing at all and acting all I-don’t-care. I feel it again. I even feel it in my face, as if it hardens. As if it changes with my feelings. My eyes view everything with an angry-layer and my cheek feels hard. If I actually touch it, it’s just as soft as it has always been, but something has changed in my mind. I don’t know why.
I feel like my senses have sharpened, or something. I feel like a revolution, though I have never known one. I feel like a I-don’t-care-hippie, which doesn’t make sense at all. Hippies are quite the idealists, aren’t they? So I feel like an idealist, but I don’t care, at the same time. That’s just it.

I don’t know if this feeling is a good or a bad thing. Actually, I do. It feels good, I feel strong. I need this strength now, because I have to be the mother, I have to be the only one that doesn’t care, so I can keep going my normal life. It’s insane, because this sounds so important, and I have a feeling like: ‘Why am I writing this down, I’m making such a big deal over something like this?’
My granddad is in hospital, my grandmother sort of caught amnesia and my parents have to take care, so they are rushing over every day, one at a time. My brother is kind of interested in the whole deal and talks with them about it. I used to be like that as well, but now I am not. I do not talk about it. When my father comes home and tells us my granddad has cancer, I reply with ‘oh, okay’ and put up really happy I-don’t-care-hippie-music. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but it’s not getting in. I have only been upset once, when I didn’t know what the deal was, but now I know everything, it’s like: ‘Okay.’

And it feeds me. The music feeds my mood. I’ve been listening to the Across The Universe soundtrack, which is Beatles music, sang by actors who play in the movie. It’s abnormally amazing, but it does feed my I-don’t-care-hippie mood. It makes me angry, it makes me sad, it makes me feel glorious, it makes me feel happy, it makes me feel as if I can change the world. It makes me feel strong.

That’s it for now, I didn’t post a serious blog for a while so this is your chance to.. I don’t know. Maybe I will post about spring, have been trying to do that for a while, but I didn’t get to it.

Love,