I need a hero

To all the men who like to repeatedly write/e-mail/text girls messages such as: “I miss you so much, when am I going to see you again?!”, read below.
If that girl is either your girlfriend/almost-girlfriend (does not count if you only think so)/best friend/daughter, it’s delicious and very sweet. Depends on how often you send those messages though.
If she’s not, you could as well chew off your balls, since they don’t seem to work anyway. Honestly, I’m ashamed of the fact that you call yourself men. If you have such thoughts about a girl, I sincerely advise, keep them for yourself. Do you think we like receiving those desperate, whiny, annoying messages? Please go buy a tissue and slime on yourself.
I used to think it was only a few guys, whose names I’m professionally not going to name, who acted like that, but nooooo, I was wrong. Even guys who seem tough and mature and are actually officially grown-up send desperate messages. What do you think we will do? In my eyes, you’re dead as a man if you act like that, and I know I’m not the only one who thinks like this. You’re born a man, so act like one, you snothead.
Same with men who cry for reasons I don’t think of as important. Of course you can cry if your aunt dies, but a hamster is still a hamster. My boyfriend likes to tease me with my fear of crying men, but I honestly can’t take it. The sight of a crying man is so disgusting, that I will be instantly mad when seeing it. Even if it’s fake. Warning.
Yes, I like men-men. I don’t need a second female, god no. I want a tall, broad-shouldered, Ryan-from-the-O.C, un-crying, tough man with lots of hair. He has to be protective and guy-ish, but also able to spell f-i-d-e-l-i-t-y. In short: I need a man who’s tough and strong, but who is secretely unbelievably sweet when nobody’s around. I love you, mine.
And if you’re not like this, no worries, there are plenty of women who like metrosexuals. Bwahahaha. I’m sorry.

Gays, call me.

Edit: God, I know women aren't perfect either and I'm not a bloody feminist. I just wanted to rant about those LOSERS who act like women these days.

You are my hero

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Ted's own little Futuristic

Ted, dear, I'm sure you'll find yourself a sweet girl within 5 years, whom you will love forever. I think of you as someone who (well can you blame me?) is incredibly loyal and has no problems to love the same girl for his whole life. Monogamy. So I think you're a real Family Guy, that's why you watch that programme, young man. :)
I don't know about your job, but do you? Think about it.